“How do you feel about the return to work?” people ask. “It feels complex,” I answer.
My brain feels excited in parts, but my heart feels incredibly heavy.
I’m eager to be ‘Tamsin’ more frequently, but I’m completely gutted to not be ‘Mummy’ all day long, spending my time with my favourite person in the world.
I’m relieved to get regular breaks from being constantly vigilant, constantly planning, constantly remembering, constantly on my feet, but feel sick to my stomach at handing over my baby to people who, for now at least, are complete strangers.
It feels natural to open up the world a bit more for my daughter, but so unnatural to have a young baby out in the world, independent of her parents/family.
I feel grateful that I’m returning to work with my flexible working request granted, but feel deep sadness that I have to leave my daughter at all.
I'm excited for my daughter to make new friends, and learn new things, but devastated there's a part of her life I won't get to witness.
I look forward to having some uninterrupted thoughts, uninterrupted actions, uninterrupted toilet trips, but will desperately miss the constant technicolour my daughter brings to the mundane.
I want to be a matriarch-type role model for my daughter, but I don’t want to miss a moment of her childhood.
Even though it’s the right thing for me to return to work, it feels so wrong too.
Like motherhood, everything I feel is a contradiction. The end of maternity leave is the closing scene of the most significant period of my life. I look mostly the same, I sound mostly the same, but inside? I feel completely different. How will this manifest when I'm back at work? Time will tell.
I worry that the demands of motherhood - which fill the day and night completely already - don't stop, but now the demands of work are added too. How will there be enough time in the day? Again, time will tell.
I want all the answers and all the reassurance that it will be okay. However, now's the time to embrace one of the biggest lessons I've learnt this year: give it time, go with the flow, it will work out - and if it doesn't, I have the power to change it. I struggled with adapting to motherhood, yet ultimately managed to build a life that made me the most fulfilled, happy, and content I'd ever been. So maybe this will happen here. Maybe my daughter will love childcare, I will love the split between motherhood and career, and it will be the best stage yet. Time will tell.
Enjoy my motherhood content? I've written a whole book on the subject! Find out more about ‘Everything They Don't Tell You About Becoming A First-Time Mother’ here.