Who is Tamsin Salfrais? Before May, I'd have been confident in answering this, elevator pitch style. Now? I'm not so sure. I look the same as pre-May Tamsin (aside from a side fringe - thanks, postpartum hair loss), I sound the same, I dress the same, but inside? I'm a totally different person.
These first few months of motherhood have been the most transformative period of my life: it has pushed me to my limits - both high and low - and made me question who I truly am. It’s taken what I thought being a ‘Mummy’ meant, and spun it on its head. I have learnt that the first few months of motherhood, especially as a first-time mum, is about learning so much more than how to keep a child alive and happy.
As I've said in previous posts, I want to keep my daughter pretty private online, so my blog posts don't focus too much on her (even though she's bloody amazing, inquisitive, and literally get-stopped-in-the-street cute); instead, I’ll detail what I have learnt about myself, my relationships, the world, and who I am as a person so far - though to be honest, I'm still figuring that last one out.
1. You will lose yourself
I never used to understand why mums would say they lost their identity. Surely, you keep being you while doing mum things?!
95% of the time since she was born, I have only been ‘Mummy’. The 5%, the few times I've ventured out without my daughter, I don't stop being Mummy, but I get to be Tamsin for a few hours too. When you're only getting to be the person you've been your whole life for such a short period of time pretty much overnight, you do feel like you're losing yourself a little. I adore being a mum, and of course, and the word ‘love’ isn’t even big enough to describe my devotion to my daughter, but in any other context in life, you get a break from doing the things you love.
2. You'll find out That you’re far stronger than you ever imagined
I've been tired before, I've been busy before, but ironically, that was child's play compared to now. However, despite this, I show up WAY more, with WAY more enthusiasm than I ever did pre-baby. I've realised just how little energy I can run on and still show up for my child, happily so, and that is strength. I am proud of myself, and also proud of her for bringing that out of me. Also, physical strength! Carrying a child all day long, or having them strapped to your body, brings a new dynamic to weighted workouts. I've learnt to do so much with one hand: eat, prepare meals, hang washing, even clip my own hair.
Also, fear. Child birth is terrifying. And I did it. Anytime I'm fearful of something - from a spider to an upcoming situation, I think - “I got through childbirth, this is nothing”.
3. The guilt you'll feel from expressing anything other than joy is profound
The mum guilt. Oh, my. It is strong. I’ve ummed and ahhed about publishing so much of this article - anything that depicts the difficulty of motherhood - not wanting my daughter to ever be able to read this and think she's not loved, when it’s quite the opposite. I love her more than anything else in this entire world. I feel immense guilt for not always being on top of the world though, especially given how much joy she brings me.
However, when I once voiced these feelings to my daughter's godmother through tears, she made a very good point: our children are happy and content as we ensure all their needs are completely met; however, we give a lot of ourselves to do so, especially when they’re so young. A lot of our adult needs aren't met during this time - and I don't mean that salaciously, I mean simply sleeping when we’re tired, eating when we’re hungry, or being able to go to the toilet in private (nothing will prepare you for how going to the toilet becomes a spectator sport on the days when it’s just mum and baby at home lol). However, this isn't forever: my child is still so very young. Before long, I'll be longing for the days when she wanted to be with me 24/7 - though relishing in that toilet privacy once again.
4. Motherhood puts a mirror up to who you are and what you value most
These last five months have really made me evaluate who I am, and what I value in life. I realise what elements, outside of my daughter, I still hold on to when I'm so exhausted and time poor (FYI, my nail art); what aspects of my personality I do and don't want to pass on to my daughter; what my personal and professional goals are now; how I show up for my fiance and how he does for me; and even my relationship with my own mum.
5. Time is so precious so your tolerance for bullsh*t takes a nose dive
Before I became pregnant, I was a certified people pleaser. However, as selfish as it may sound, I now realise that if something doesn't serve my little family, I don't have to tolerate it. During the day, Lil Miss should have most of my attention, and come evening, I have just an hour or two to do other bits - less if the tiredness wins sooner lol - so I seriously don't have the time or mental space for anything trivial or for people who don't show up for me in the same way as I show up for them. I've lost a significant friendship since becoming a mother, something I am still mourning, despite knowing it’s the right thing for me at this stage, and I've stepped back from a few people quietly. The flip side means your circle is filled with people who value you as much as you value them.
6. There are positives and negatives to ‘MumTok’
I may not have TikTok, but I do love a good scroll on Instagram. Like anything, there are positives and negatives to this. Despite not wanting to show my daughter’s defining features online, I've become more active with sharing motherhood related stuff on social media. This has led me to reconnect with people I've not spoken to in 10-15 years, who have been through this season already, and know just the right words to say, and how to say them. And sometimes, it’s not necessarily people I know (or used to know), but rather a post served by the algorithm that will articulate and affirm the very complex feelings this new season in life brings in a way you can't always do on broken sleep.
However on the flip side, you can end up trusting something online that actually isn’t good for your child. Secondly, EVERYONE (on social media and off of it) will have strong opinions on how to raise children - and there's no way to listen to it all because most of it is opposing advice anyway. Thirdly, social media can create fears that you wouldn't have even considered - then the algorithm will serve you that kind of thing forevermore because you lingered for more than one second on a post.
Lastly, something I’ve been quite guilty of: we stop trusting our eyes, ears, and gut, and want a ‘one rule fits all’ approach. Frankly, this doesn’t work because babies are small humans: we are all different.
7. Similarly, you’ll avoid the news
I always remember a friend of mine who had kids saying “I don't watch the news anymore”, and I thought “How?! You trained as a journalist.” I get it now. It is so heavy. All I can think is “what is this world going to be like for the most precious person in my life?” When I do catch a news segment at the moment, the unease can linger in the pit of my stomach for days; I hope the tide turns to less hate again soon.
8. You become part of a club you didn’t even know existed
As I’ve said in a previous blog post, there really is a sisterhood in motherhood. I have a bunch of mum friends now: a couple who are local, and a few at the end of WhatsApp to swap supportive words. They normalise any feelings, and even give a glimpse of what’s to come - or see what’s passed with fresh eyes. I’ve had conversations with women who I’ve known for years about things we’d never have discussed before I was ‘part of the club’.
9. People who compare pets to babies will drive you mad
I’m probably going to get some hate for this. Without trivialising anyone’s fertility issues, unless you have/had a pet and a child, and can speak from experiencing both, please stop saying they’re the same thing. Yes, both pets and babies take love, commitment, and some sacrifice - but the levels at which are so vastly different.
I'm someone who loves dogs, and sees pets as family. I miss both furry members of my family dreadfully. I would run into a burning building for either of our dogs, no question. Their companionship (and cute faces) were second to none. The only reason I don’t have a dog now is because I don’t think I could handle the devastating grief of a pet passing away again.
However, the inference that my human child is the exact same as an animal is straight-up rude: a comparison people would think was wholly insulting if we normalised likening adults to animals. Not only that, but the comparison totally invalidates the life-altering experience of pregnancy and postpartum. It dismisses everything a woman’s brain and body goes through to bring new life into the world. To nurture the life in this world. Becoming a parent will rip you into a thousand pieces, and rebuild you into someone new. It will stretch you emotionally, physically, and mentally in ways you cannot articulate fully. Scientific research has shown it quite literally rewires mothers’ brain chemistry. Speak to any mother (or father for that matter) who is also a pet owner, and they’ll give you a hundred more reasons why, although they love both, it’s not the same.
10. It’s so important to ask for help
My fiance is a very conscientious partner and attentive father; I am lucky. However, as the stay at home mother, there are some things that I - and other mums - will experience that working fathers simply won’t; and we may need to ask for help. This is something, to both our detriment, I struggled with doing; however, I’m getting better at it. As he always tells me, don’t wait to get to breaking point before crying out for help.
It's the smallest gestures that make the biggest statement: a friend offering to watch my daughter while I shower when she visits; another friend saying “wow, you’re doing a great job”. I would be here all night if I listed all the supportive gestures my fiance makes too: from running downstairs to get the bottles in the middle of the night, despite having work in the morning, to washing up as well as cooking a lavish dinner.
The ‘village’ people speak of is way more virtual now, which although still helpful, can be quite physically isolating. I now get why older members of my family would say “why you living so far?” However, I’m making a real conscious effort to get out and meet other mums. I’m also getting better at putting less pressure on myself to get everything done at home when my girl is not vibing with being put down.
11. Quite simply, there is no love like it
I love many people, and many things, but I didn’t know my heart could feel a love like this. My God, it's a love in every essence of my being. Trying to put it into words takes my breath away. It’s an immensely powerful bond that I’d go to war for. Despite the hardships, I'd take everything on a million times over to ensure my girl is happy. A small gesture from her - a hand on my cheek, a giggle - brightens my day tenfold. That girl - my daughter - is quite literally a piece of my heart outside of my body.
BONUS: Despite this being my blog on my website, I want to finish with some words not by myself at all. I came across this post on Instagram and, well, it’s everything.
